Wednesday, November 26, 2003
HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
Well, almost Happy Thanksgiving. One day to go!
I woke up really excited about the holiday. When life gives you lemons, you have to make Country Time or some shit. Right?
Today is my brother’s birthday. Whenever it crosses my mind, I get a twinge of sadness that eats away at my insides. I hope that his fellow soldiers are doing something nice for him today. I am big on birthdays and it kills me to know that my brother has to spend his in Baghdad. Then tomorrow he has to spend Thanksgiving eating under a tent with his fellow ARMY brothers. It will be a horrible couple of days for him, but he will get through it and so will we.
I told my mom that I am going to arrive at home in a good mood, with a positive attitude. It is up to me to make sure that we all laugh a lot and enjoy the time together. I will do my best.
Tonight we are going to party it up at the Albany Gay Bars. I always look forward to going out gay in Albany. I get to walk in and act all NYC-ish. Plus, I am fresh meat to them, so the guys tend to dote on me a bit. Heh heh. Always feels good to be doted on. Then on Friday night we will go out and do it all over again. Saturday, my parents are driving Kelly and I back to the city. That night my parents are taking me to see the Christmas Spectacular show at Radio City Music Hall. This is our third year attending and each time it is such a thrill. It’s definitely the way to start the Christmas season. Very much looking forward to it.
So you see? Although the holidays are not nearly as wonderful with my brother being gone, there are still events to look forward to. I just have to remind my parents of that by being the best son I can be.
What do you eat for your Thanksgiving dinner? Our menu consists of:
Turkey (obviously)
Mashed Potatoes (yem!)
Peas (sorta yem!)
Broccoli and Cheese (my personal favorite)
Yams (sick)
Coleslaw (sickest)
Rolls (slurp)
Pies – usually blueberry and chocolate
Ambrosia (weird marshmallow dessert-esque food, but it’s actually pretty good)
There may be a few other things thrown in there, but I really only care about the turkey, potatoes, and broccoli. You understand.
Every Thanksgiving, my mom and I always watch Planes, Trains, and Automobiles together (the quintessential Thanksgiving movie). When I spoke to my mom earlier today, she said, “Are you bringing home any of the good stuff?” By “good stuff”, she means Mary Jana. Hahahaha. I say “Yes mam! And we will be sure to toke some buds together!” My mom replies “Toke em thuds?” I laughed and said, “Yes, toke em thuds! You love that!” She couldn’t BE any more adorable.
I feel so grateful for so many things. Among the list are:
My family – especially brother, granny, and uncles!
My boyfriend Paul
My friends – especially you Rita Lovely!
My job
Theatre
Our US Troops
My hamsters – Jim and Kim
NYC
Pizza and French Fries
The Real World/Road Rules Gauntlet
My dashing good looks – ha!
My health and the health of those I love.
And most of all…I am grateful to God for giving me all of this. Thank you to Jesus for dying on the cross for our sins. And thank you to those who work so hard at bringing God into other people’s lives.
Happy Thanksgiving to all of you lovelies. Make the best of it and eat your face off!
I lovel u.
Well, almost Happy Thanksgiving. One day to go!
I woke up really excited about the holiday. When life gives you lemons, you have to make Country Time or some shit. Right?
Today is my brother’s birthday. Whenever it crosses my mind, I get a twinge of sadness that eats away at my insides. I hope that his fellow soldiers are doing something nice for him today. I am big on birthdays and it kills me to know that my brother has to spend his in Baghdad. Then tomorrow he has to spend Thanksgiving eating under a tent with his fellow ARMY brothers. It will be a horrible couple of days for him, but he will get through it and so will we.
I told my mom that I am going to arrive at home in a good mood, with a positive attitude. It is up to me to make sure that we all laugh a lot and enjoy the time together. I will do my best.
Tonight we are going to party it up at the Albany Gay Bars. I always look forward to going out gay in Albany. I get to walk in and act all NYC-ish. Plus, I am fresh meat to them, so the guys tend to dote on me a bit. Heh heh. Always feels good to be doted on. Then on Friday night we will go out and do it all over again. Saturday, my parents are driving Kelly and I back to the city. That night my parents are taking me to see the Christmas Spectacular show at Radio City Music Hall. This is our third year attending and each time it is such a thrill. It’s definitely the way to start the Christmas season. Very much looking forward to it.
So you see? Although the holidays are not nearly as wonderful with my brother being gone, there are still events to look forward to. I just have to remind my parents of that by being the best son I can be.
What do you eat for your Thanksgiving dinner? Our menu consists of:
Turkey (obviously)
Mashed Potatoes (yem!)
Peas (sorta yem!)
Broccoli and Cheese (my personal favorite)
Yams (sick)
Coleslaw (sickest)
Rolls (slurp)
Pies – usually blueberry and chocolate
Ambrosia (weird marshmallow dessert-esque food, but it’s actually pretty good)
There may be a few other things thrown in there, but I really only care about the turkey, potatoes, and broccoli. You understand.
Every Thanksgiving, my mom and I always watch Planes, Trains, and Automobiles together (the quintessential Thanksgiving movie). When I spoke to my mom earlier today, she said, “Are you bringing home any of the good stuff?” By “good stuff”, she means Mary Jana. Hahahaha. I say “Yes mam! And we will be sure to toke some buds together!” My mom replies “Toke em thuds?” I laughed and said, “Yes, toke em thuds! You love that!” She couldn’t BE any more adorable.
I feel so grateful for so many things. Among the list are:
My family – especially brother, granny, and uncles!
My boyfriend Paul
My friends – especially you Rita Lovely!
My job
Theatre
Our US Troops
My hamsters – Jim and Kim
NYC
Pizza and French Fries
The Real World/Road Rules Gauntlet
My dashing good looks – ha!
My health and the health of those I love.
And most of all…I am grateful to God for giving me all of this. Thank you to Jesus for dying on the cross for our sins. And thank you to those who work so hard at bringing God into other people’s lives.
Happy Thanksgiving to all of you lovelies. Make the best of it and eat your face off!
I lovel u.
Tuesday, November 25, 2003
Today I am exhausted.
I don’t know what it is. I did nothing last night, but shove my face with food and hang with my boyfriend. Yet, I walk around in pure zombie form this afternoon as though I was out all night partying it up with Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie. You understand.
I made the dyer mistake of eating two slices of pizza for lunch. I don’t know if it’s the cold weather or because Thanksgiving is around the corner or what…but I am starving. Always starving. Always ready to cook up a quick ham and shove it down my gullet. Probably follow it with a 32oz glass of gravy. And maybe a spoonful of peas.
Sike. Like I even like gravy. That shit is so nasty.
Cept on french fries sometimes. That can be good.
For some reason my house phone is disconnected. I think the wind knocked the line dead or something. Either that or a killer is plotting my grisly death.
Eh.
This has been the longest week of my life. I am not really looking forward to going home, although I know it will be enjoyable once I get there. Of course I want to see and spend time with my parents. Of course I want to go out to the gay bars in Albany. Of course I want to play with my parents little pup. And of course it will be so nice to be out of NYC and in the clean, fresh smelling air of Albany, NY. It’s really beautiful up there. When I was home a couple of weeks ago, I marveled at how gorgeous Albany really is. It’s so simple and calm. The anxiety just runs out of my bones and I settle in to life there so quickly.
The only downside is that I am allergic to my old cat. So by Friday morning, my eyes will be swollen and I will be breathing through my dickhead. There’s no way to avoid it. Just have to deal with it.
I do love my shower at home though. So much water cascading over my pizza-laden thighs. I may even take a bath. I haven’t done that since like early 2000. I could use one. Calgon take me away or some shit.
Only two more hours to get through before I can go back to my apartment.
Gotta pack and clean the hamster cage and do a conference call with the Theatre Company.
After that, to bed I said.
I don’t know what it is. I did nothing last night, but shove my face with food and hang with my boyfriend. Yet, I walk around in pure zombie form this afternoon as though I was out all night partying it up with Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie. You understand.
I made the dyer mistake of eating two slices of pizza for lunch. I don’t know if it’s the cold weather or because Thanksgiving is around the corner or what…but I am starving. Always starving. Always ready to cook up a quick ham and shove it down my gullet. Probably follow it with a 32oz glass of gravy. And maybe a spoonful of peas.
Sike. Like I even like gravy. That shit is so nasty.
Cept on french fries sometimes. That can be good.
For some reason my house phone is disconnected. I think the wind knocked the line dead or something. Either that or a killer is plotting my grisly death.
Eh.
This has been the longest week of my life. I am not really looking forward to going home, although I know it will be enjoyable once I get there. Of course I want to see and spend time with my parents. Of course I want to go out to the gay bars in Albany. Of course I want to play with my parents little pup. And of course it will be so nice to be out of NYC and in the clean, fresh smelling air of Albany, NY. It’s really beautiful up there. When I was home a couple of weeks ago, I marveled at how gorgeous Albany really is. It’s so simple and calm. The anxiety just runs out of my bones and I settle in to life there so quickly.
The only downside is that I am allergic to my old cat. So by Friday morning, my eyes will be swollen and I will be breathing through my dickhead. There’s no way to avoid it. Just have to deal with it.
I do love my shower at home though. So much water cascading over my pizza-laden thighs. I may even take a bath. I haven’t done that since like early 2000. I could use one. Calgon take me away or some shit.
Only two more hours to get through before I can go back to my apartment.
Gotta pack and clean the hamster cage and do a conference call with the Theatre Company.
After that, to bed I said.
Monday, November 24, 2003
Updates
The weekend was great! I am FINALLY feeling better. I woke up this morning and was actually in a good mood. Who would have thought that could happen on a Monday? I still have a residual cough, but my aches and pains are gone and I don’t feel nearly as cranky as I have felt for the last two weeks.
Just in time for Ari to catch it. She is home now and doing her best to keep her sanity. Poor thing.
The fundraiser was a major success. We didn’t raise as much money as we had hoped, but we did fairly well. Everyone that came had a blast. The entire space was turned into this raging cool dance club. The music was tight and the decorations were fucking phenomenal. I met a slew of people and drank half the keg myself. (I forgot how TASTY keg beer really is) I am very pleased with the way it turned out. And I also have the best friends in the world. Almost everyone I know in the city came down to support.
My brother’s best friend in Iraq, Lou, was in a horrible accident this weekend. From what I have been told, Lou, was on a “mission” when a wall crumbled and fell on top of him. Both of his legs and pelvic area was smashed in the accident. He was flown to Germany where they are currently trying to put his lower body region back together. It was a horrible, horrible thing, and my brother is on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Not only is he upset that Lou got so hurt, but also that he doesn’t have him in Iraq with him anymore. They didn’t get to see each other very often, but it gave him piece of mind to know that he was right around the corner. Winfield called my parents in tears yesterday. Only the second time he has cried since he has been there. My dad called me in tears this morning to relay the news. Ugh. And Thanksgiving is in 3 days.
In other news…Kelly told me the funniest story on Friday.
She was babysitting for this 2-year-old boy. While he was sitting with her, she signed online and a picture of Michael Jackson came up on the screen. Gus, the baby, looked at Kelly, looked at the picture of Michael and said “That lady looks like you!”
End story.
Busy week ahead of me. Paul and I are going to go to dinner at Rocco's tonight. You may remember that place from the NBC show “The Restaurant”. I can’t wait to try “Mama’s Meatballs”. YEM!
Off to lunch now.
Gotta clear my head for a bit.
The weekend was great! I am FINALLY feeling better. I woke up this morning and was actually in a good mood. Who would have thought that could happen on a Monday? I still have a residual cough, but my aches and pains are gone and I don’t feel nearly as cranky as I have felt for the last two weeks.
Just in time for Ari to catch it. She is home now and doing her best to keep her sanity. Poor thing.
The fundraiser was a major success. We didn’t raise as much money as we had hoped, but we did fairly well. Everyone that came had a blast. The entire space was turned into this raging cool dance club. The music was tight and the decorations were fucking phenomenal. I met a slew of people and drank half the keg myself. (I forgot how TASTY keg beer really is) I am very pleased with the way it turned out. And I also have the best friends in the world. Almost everyone I know in the city came down to support.
My brother’s best friend in Iraq, Lou, was in a horrible accident this weekend. From what I have been told, Lou, was on a “mission” when a wall crumbled and fell on top of him. Both of his legs and pelvic area was smashed in the accident. He was flown to Germany where they are currently trying to put his lower body region back together. It was a horrible, horrible thing, and my brother is on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Not only is he upset that Lou got so hurt, but also that he doesn’t have him in Iraq with him anymore. They didn’t get to see each other very often, but it gave him piece of mind to know that he was right around the corner. Winfield called my parents in tears yesterday. Only the second time he has cried since he has been there. My dad called me in tears this morning to relay the news. Ugh. And Thanksgiving is in 3 days.
In other news…Kelly told me the funniest story on Friday.
She was babysitting for this 2-year-old boy. While he was sitting with her, she signed online and a picture of Michael Jackson came up on the screen. Gus, the baby, looked at Kelly, looked at the picture of Michael and said “That lady looks like you!”
End story.
Busy week ahead of me. Paul and I are going to go to dinner at Rocco's tonight. You may remember that place from the NBC show “The Restaurant”. I can’t wait to try “Mama’s Meatballs”. YEM!
Off to lunch now.
Gotta clear my head for a bit.
Friday, November 21, 2003
I have seen the face of death and I have shit right on it.
I am finally back at work. Much to my dismay, I have spent the last 72 hours in bed - alone, sick, and miserable. Sometimes it’s nice to have a day or two off. Sometimes it SUCKS. This time, in particular, I hated it.
The flu is an ugly disease that, in the past, I have been lucky enough to avoid. Looking back on my history of illnesses, I can’t remember actually getting the flu. I have had bad colds and the like, but never an actual case of the influenza.
I still feel weak and cranky and have no appetite to speak of. My cough still scares small children and my breath…well…Paul has no eyebrows left on his face due to my breathing on him all night.
Tonight is our big November Fundraiser for the Theatre Company. Thank God that I feel somewhat okay. There is a lot of work to be done and I have just enough energy left to do it. We hope to raise upwards of $1,000 tonight. I don’t see any reason why we won’t. We have 4 DJ’s rotating music until all hours of the night and many have RSVP’d.
I don’t plan on staying there any later than 12am, but you never know. Sometimes beer helps one to feel better when they have the flu. (snicker snicks)
Thanks for all of the great advice everyone gave me. I do have a new toothbrush and I am constantly washing my hands. I am drinking lots of liquids and I am eating the healthiest of healthy foods.
I have never wanted to beat a sickness so badly in my life.
Stay healthy y’all.
The flu makes no exceptions.
Except for bodybuilders.
Who DOESN’T make exceptions for bodybuilders?
I am finally back at work. Much to my dismay, I have spent the last 72 hours in bed - alone, sick, and miserable. Sometimes it’s nice to have a day or two off. Sometimes it SUCKS. This time, in particular, I hated it.
The flu is an ugly disease that, in the past, I have been lucky enough to avoid. Looking back on my history of illnesses, I can’t remember actually getting the flu. I have had bad colds and the like, but never an actual case of the influenza.
I still feel weak and cranky and have no appetite to speak of. My cough still scares small children and my breath…well…Paul has no eyebrows left on his face due to my breathing on him all night.
Tonight is our big November Fundraiser for the Theatre Company. Thank God that I feel somewhat okay. There is a lot of work to be done and I have just enough energy left to do it. We hope to raise upwards of $1,000 tonight. I don’t see any reason why we won’t. We have 4 DJ’s rotating music until all hours of the night and many have RSVP’d.
I don’t plan on staying there any later than 12am, but you never know. Sometimes beer helps one to feel better when they have the flu. (snicker snicks)
Thanks for all of the great advice everyone gave me. I do have a new toothbrush and I am constantly washing my hands. I am drinking lots of liquids and I am eating the healthiest of healthy foods.
I have never wanted to beat a sickness so badly in my life.
Stay healthy y’all.
The flu makes no exceptions.
Except for bodybuilders.
Who DOESN’T make exceptions for bodybuilders?
Tuesday, November 18, 2003
Well, it's official. I have influenza. Or something equally as ugly.
I am leaving work now to go home and die in a corner.
Love me. But don't get too close or you may be loving me out your ass for the next two weeks.
Over and out.
I am leaving work now to go home and die in a corner.
Love me. But don't get too close or you may be loving me out your ass for the next two weeks.
Over and out.
Monday, November 17, 2003
Back from my weekend with the parents. It was an exceptionally good visit this time around. No tears were shed and although we did talk a lot about Winfield, most of it was positive. I am much relieved that there were no emotional outbursts. I really needed this weekend to clear my head. And that I did.
Now I’ve got my nose back to the grindstone. This Friday is our November Fundraiser for the Theatre Company. I am nervous as to what the attendance will be. Considering that we need a lot of people to come in order to raise money for December’s rent, our fingers, toes, and tits are crossed. The fundraiser is essentially a “Record Release Party” for the guy who did the sound for Stupid Kids. He will be debuting his new album and we are fortunate enough to keep all of the profits for the company. It is really hard to anticipate the level of attendance since most of our patrons will come because of him. I was incredibly stressed about it this weekend, but now I have calmed down. At this point, there is no need to worry. If it’s a flop, it’s a flop. I have too much going on to worry about it anymore. Worst case scenario…I drink a keg by myself and stumble home.
Okay…how bout BEST case scenario, I drink a keg by myself and stumble home.
I just spilled the toner for the copy machine all over myself and the entire supply room floor. As soon as it happened, I started screaming “SHIT! SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT!”. The students ran away in fear. When I looked at my jeans, I saw that they were COVERED in black shit. I just got the jeans I’m wearing, two weeks ago. However, with patience and understanding, I was able to get rid of the black powder from my right pant leg without so much as a spot. (Thank the Lord in heaven above. Cuz I certainly don’t have enough money to go out and buy a new pair of jeans) Now, our housekeeper is scrubbing the supply room floor to rid it of the huge mess I caused. I told her that I would clean it myself, but she just let out an egg fart and refused to let me help.
I haven’t spent any time with Paul over the last week. In fact, I haven’t seen him since LAST Monday when we hung out. Because of this, tonight he is taking me out for the night. We are either staying in a hotel or going to an expensive dinner. He won’t tell me exactly what it is. But I am tre excited. We will not be partaking in any sex type adventures as my dick has some sort of rash on it. I used a very frilly type of lotion last week and my dick exploded in irritation. I am not happy about it, to say the least. In order to allow it time to heal, I have had to completely refrain from masturbating. But then, late last night, I tugged on my dick for 5 solid minutes. My insides were exploding with cum and I just had to release it. When I woke up this morning, my dick had become an innie instead of an outie. I now have an infected vagina. Looks like I won’t be playing with myself until early December.
I am now leaving to get my hair cut. As you know, I HATE getting my hair cut. But I love being pretty, so I must go.
Latas lovahs!
Now I’ve got my nose back to the grindstone. This Friday is our November Fundraiser for the Theatre Company. I am nervous as to what the attendance will be. Considering that we need a lot of people to come in order to raise money for December’s rent, our fingers, toes, and tits are crossed. The fundraiser is essentially a “Record Release Party” for the guy who did the sound for Stupid Kids. He will be debuting his new album and we are fortunate enough to keep all of the profits for the company. It is really hard to anticipate the level of attendance since most of our patrons will come because of him. I was incredibly stressed about it this weekend, but now I have calmed down. At this point, there is no need to worry. If it’s a flop, it’s a flop. I have too much going on to worry about it anymore. Worst case scenario…I drink a keg by myself and stumble home.
Okay…how bout BEST case scenario, I drink a keg by myself and stumble home.
I just spilled the toner for the copy machine all over myself and the entire supply room floor. As soon as it happened, I started screaming “SHIT! SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT!”. The students ran away in fear. When I looked at my jeans, I saw that they were COVERED in black shit. I just got the jeans I’m wearing, two weeks ago. However, with patience and understanding, I was able to get rid of the black powder from my right pant leg without so much as a spot. (Thank the Lord in heaven above. Cuz I certainly don’t have enough money to go out and buy a new pair of jeans) Now, our housekeeper is scrubbing the supply room floor to rid it of the huge mess I caused. I told her that I would clean it myself, but she just let out an egg fart and refused to let me help.
I haven’t spent any time with Paul over the last week. In fact, I haven’t seen him since LAST Monday when we hung out. Because of this, tonight he is taking me out for the night. We are either staying in a hotel or going to an expensive dinner. He won’t tell me exactly what it is. But I am tre excited. We will not be partaking in any sex type adventures as my dick has some sort of rash on it. I used a very frilly type of lotion last week and my dick exploded in irritation. I am not happy about it, to say the least. In order to allow it time to heal, I have had to completely refrain from masturbating. But then, late last night, I tugged on my dick for 5 solid minutes. My insides were exploding with cum and I just had to release it. When I woke up this morning, my dick had become an innie instead of an outie. I now have an infected vagina. Looks like I won’t be playing with myself until early December.
I am now leaving to get my hair cut. As you know, I HATE getting my hair cut. But I love being pretty, so I must go.
Latas lovahs!
Friday, November 14, 2003
It’s Friday and I am off to Albany for the weekend. I’m going so that I can spend time with the moms and the dads. They are in dire need of some love. I know Thanksgiving is only two weeks away, but my parents are hella depressed these days. I am hoping that my visit will lift their spirits a bit. And mine.
The other night Mariah took a couple of us to see Little Shop of Horrors on Broadway! It is like my favorite show of all time. The whole experience was wonderful. I have to admit that I was not a fan of the girl who played Audrey. I thought her performance was weak and that she made some pretty bad acting choices. Seymour had a couple of nice moments, but irritated me and the rest of the audience with his inexperienced physical comedy skills. Thinking back on it, it could be the direction that was way off and not the actors. It’s hard to tell. Some of the show was brilliant and some of it was terrible. Bad direction should have led to the whole show falling on its face. But really…I only found Audrey and Seymour to be the ones falling on their faces. Ah well.
However, the show was not a total wash. Not in the least! The Doo-Wop girls were sensational and the dentist stole the show. I also thought that the set and the lighting was out of this world.
To sum it up, I think Kelly hit the nail on the head when she turned to me and said: “Thank God there is a talking plant in this musical.” It is so much fun to go to the theatre and I always walk away with a deep aching to be on the stage. Oh how I wish I could have the chance to play the part of Seymour in this musical. Oh how I WISH!
Last night I ate a whole bag of chewy sprees. I woke up with no teeth in my mouth. I had to gum my first cigarette of the day.
I also tuned in to Friends for the first time in years. That Monica Geller…man…she puts me in stitches. Is it wrong that I want to grow up to be just like her? She is everything I want to be as a girl.
Alrighty…have a great weekend everyone!
It’s time for me to go hug my mom and dad.
The other night Mariah took a couple of us to see Little Shop of Horrors on Broadway! It is like my favorite show of all time. The whole experience was wonderful. I have to admit that I was not a fan of the girl who played Audrey. I thought her performance was weak and that she made some pretty bad acting choices. Seymour had a couple of nice moments, but irritated me and the rest of the audience with his inexperienced physical comedy skills. Thinking back on it, it could be the direction that was way off and not the actors. It’s hard to tell. Some of the show was brilliant and some of it was terrible. Bad direction should have led to the whole show falling on its face. But really…I only found Audrey and Seymour to be the ones falling on their faces. Ah well.
However, the show was not a total wash. Not in the least! The Doo-Wop girls were sensational and the dentist stole the show. I also thought that the set and the lighting was out of this world.
To sum it up, I think Kelly hit the nail on the head when she turned to me and said: “Thank God there is a talking plant in this musical.” It is so much fun to go to the theatre and I always walk away with a deep aching to be on the stage. Oh how I wish I could have the chance to play the part of Seymour in this musical. Oh how I WISH!
Last night I ate a whole bag of chewy sprees. I woke up with no teeth in my mouth. I had to gum my first cigarette of the day.
I also tuned in to Friends for the first time in years. That Monica Geller…man…she puts me in stitches. Is it wrong that I want to grow up to be just like her? She is everything I want to be as a girl.
Alrighty…have a great weekend everyone!
It’s time for me to go hug my mom and dad.
Thursday, November 13, 2003
Ever have one of those months where you are so stressed out that you feel as though you could burst into tears at any moment?
Well, consider this my month.
Since my trip to California, nothing in my life has been smooth. I have filled my evenings by becoming a full time active member of the Theatre Company. (more work than I could ever explain) My mundane and totally unsatisfying job is slamming me with project after project. I have recently found out that one of my co-workers is leaving us in December and all that does for me is…create more work.
On top of this, I have been struggling with the flu of death. I have had the shits, a fever, a horrible head cold, body aches, and borderline hallucinations. However the hallucinations may be a result of shitting out everything that lives inside my body.
Paul and I are good, but I am having a hard time fitting him into my schedule.
My friends are good, but who has time to make everyone happy?
And as I mentioned previously, I am throwing a Murder Mystery Party. GOSH! Who am I KIDDING?!?!
I think the reason all of this is getting to me today is:
This is the first holiday season that I will spend without my brother. For my entire life, my parents, brother and grandmother have gotten together to celebrate the holidays. This year it will be just my parents, myself, and my grams. I am dreading the whole thing. If possible, I would choose to fast forward right to January. Bypass the whole thing and pretend as though it never happened.
It’s sad really. For us AND for Winfield. He will be sitting in a steaming hot building on Christmas, having dried out SPAM with his fellow soldiers. The whole idea of it is enough to make me start crying, from now until New Years. As strong as I have tried to be with my parents about my brother’s absence, and as strong as I have tried to be for myself, there are days like today when I want to throw in the towel and lock myself in my bedroom for weeks. I just love him so much and I need him right now.
Winfield has missed out on so much of my life and vice versa. He was unable to see my first show in NYC. He will be unable to see my next two shows, at least. There are few phone calls, few letters, and even fewer moments of honesty between us.
“How you holding up out there?”
“Same as always. How you holding up in the city?”
“Fine. Same as always.”
“I miss you.”
“I miss you too.”
And that’s about it.
Aren’t I supposed to be growing up with my brother still? I understand that we are both in our twenties and that it is natural for us to be in different places, doing different things. But it’s been this way since he went away to college. While I stayed within hours from home, Winfield went to school at Wake Forest, in North Carolina. While I graduated and moved to NYC (still within hours from home), Winfield moved to Germany to be in the ARMY.
My brother and I didn’t become close until the summer before I left for college. Since then we have only had summers and school breaks to be together. He tricked me into allowing him into my personal life. He tricked me into trusting and leaning on him. He tricked me because he moved away and did his own thing.
But what about me?
What about us?
What about Christmas?
It’s days like today that make me feel as though there is nothing to look forward to. I am working my ass off every day and yet, at the end of it, I don’t have Winfield here to share it with. I don’t have his friendship. I have a phone call every 5 weeks that results in us making sure the other is “okay”.
Well, I am not “okay”.
I am sad and lonely and understand that it only gets worse from here on in.
Come home already.
God, I don’t know.
It’s just hard…
Well, consider this my month.
Since my trip to California, nothing in my life has been smooth. I have filled my evenings by becoming a full time active member of the Theatre Company. (more work than I could ever explain) My mundane and totally unsatisfying job is slamming me with project after project. I have recently found out that one of my co-workers is leaving us in December and all that does for me is…create more work.
On top of this, I have been struggling with the flu of death. I have had the shits, a fever, a horrible head cold, body aches, and borderline hallucinations. However the hallucinations may be a result of shitting out everything that lives inside my body.
Paul and I are good, but I am having a hard time fitting him into my schedule.
My friends are good, but who has time to make everyone happy?
And as I mentioned previously, I am throwing a Murder Mystery Party. GOSH! Who am I KIDDING?!?!
I think the reason all of this is getting to me today is:
This is the first holiday season that I will spend without my brother. For my entire life, my parents, brother and grandmother have gotten together to celebrate the holidays. This year it will be just my parents, myself, and my grams. I am dreading the whole thing. If possible, I would choose to fast forward right to January. Bypass the whole thing and pretend as though it never happened.
It’s sad really. For us AND for Winfield. He will be sitting in a steaming hot building on Christmas, having dried out SPAM with his fellow soldiers. The whole idea of it is enough to make me start crying, from now until New Years. As strong as I have tried to be with my parents about my brother’s absence, and as strong as I have tried to be for myself, there are days like today when I want to throw in the towel and lock myself in my bedroom for weeks. I just love him so much and I need him right now.
Winfield has missed out on so much of my life and vice versa. He was unable to see my first show in NYC. He will be unable to see my next two shows, at least. There are few phone calls, few letters, and even fewer moments of honesty between us.
“How you holding up out there?”
“Same as always. How you holding up in the city?”
“Fine. Same as always.”
“I miss you.”
“I miss you too.”
And that’s about it.
Aren’t I supposed to be growing up with my brother still? I understand that we are both in our twenties and that it is natural for us to be in different places, doing different things. But it’s been this way since he went away to college. While I stayed within hours from home, Winfield went to school at Wake Forest, in North Carolina. While I graduated and moved to NYC (still within hours from home), Winfield moved to Germany to be in the ARMY.
My brother and I didn’t become close until the summer before I left for college. Since then we have only had summers and school breaks to be together. He tricked me into allowing him into my personal life. He tricked me into trusting and leaning on him. He tricked me because he moved away and did his own thing.
But what about me?
What about us?
What about Christmas?
It’s days like today that make me feel as though there is nothing to look forward to. I am working my ass off every day and yet, at the end of it, I don’t have Winfield here to share it with. I don’t have his friendship. I have a phone call every 5 weeks that results in us making sure the other is “okay”.
Well, I am not “okay”.
I am sad and lonely and understand that it only gets worse from here on in.
Come home already.
God, I don’t know.
It’s just hard…
Wednesday, November 12, 2003
I promise you a post tomorrow.
Been impossibly busy.
Thanks for your patience and homoerotic understanding!
Peace.
Been impossibly busy.
Thanks for your patience and homoerotic understanding!
Peace.
Friday, November 07, 2003
(Sheepish grin)
Hi. It’s me. Your old friend Joe.
Where have I been?
What have I been doing?
Not much, but so much at the same time.
Let’s see…quick recap:
Halloween was kind of a bust. We ended up going to that house party and dying there. We were there for hours and went home afterwards. It was one of those nights where Paul got wasted and caused 137 problems. We actually had to pull him from the apartment, as he was about to get into a fistfight for calling a friend of ours a “cunt”. Yeah, I was really proud of him that night.
Also, there was the guy that when introduced to Paul and I responded with “Faggots! How you doing?”
Here is how the conversation actually happened.
Mariah: “John, I want you to meet my friends Paul and Joe.”
John: “Faggots! How you doing?”
Joe: “WHAAAAAAAAAA?!?!”
Paul: “What the fuck did you just say?”
Mariah: “John’s gay too, he didn’t mean…”
John: “Chill out. We’re all a bunch of faggots.”
Paul: “You smell like shit. Did you just shit yourself? It smells like shit now.”
Joe: “Oh God, here we go…”
John: “What are you talking about?”
Paul: “YOU SMELL LIKE SHIT! Shit smelling John!”
At that point I walked away to let Paul and John finish their retorts. Mariah apologized profusely for John’s comments. All I could say was “Who SAYS something like that?” I was legitimately shocked.
And that was Halloween.
Since then I haven’t done much beside hang out with people I haven’t had the chance to see. Work has been a beastmaster and I’ve been a little down without having a show to work on. That will change, but not soon enough.
The Theatre Company has made the decision to throw an AIDS benefit in December. I will be performing a monologue and a scene at the cabaret portion of the event. On Tuesday I plan to sit down with the company and discuss my future role as an active member. I hope to get as involved as possible.
In other news, I am throwing a Murder Mystery Party! I have mailed out the invitations and am excited to be the host of this event. So far people seem really pumped about it. Now I just have to figure out what to serve for dinner!
I’ve become a raging huge fan of the new Real World/Road Rules Challenge - The Gauntlet. I have also become somewhat addicted to Rich Girls as well. Something is clearly wrong with the way I choose to live my life.
I haven’t talked to my brother since mid-September. He has called twice and I missed him twice. His birthday is at the end of the month and I’m starting to get those “I can’t deal with him being gone anymore” feelings. It’s making me hecka sad.
I have asked Paul to spend Christmas with my family. Although his relationship with his own family pretty much resembles shit on toast, he still feels as though he should be at his parents house for the holiday. He is making a concerted effort to be a part of my Christmas though. The plan is that he will come for Christmas Eve and leave early Christmas morning to go see his family. It would mean the world to me if he were at my house for the holiday. It will make it slightly less lonely since Winfield will be gone.
This weekend I plan to spend as little money as possible. That’s really my only goal. I’m kinda broke right now and I need to start saving my money for Christmas presents! Or bags of pot for myself! Or…a big fat steak that I can shove into my mouth right now.
I’m veddy hungwey.
Have a great weekend and make sure to look both ways before diving into a vagina.
Hi. It’s me. Your old friend Joe.
Where have I been?
What have I been doing?
Not much, but so much at the same time.
Let’s see…quick recap:
Halloween was kind of a bust. We ended up going to that house party and dying there. We were there for hours and went home afterwards. It was one of those nights where Paul got wasted and caused 137 problems. We actually had to pull him from the apartment, as he was about to get into a fistfight for calling a friend of ours a “cunt”. Yeah, I was really proud of him that night.
Also, there was the guy that when introduced to Paul and I responded with “Faggots! How you doing?”
Here is how the conversation actually happened.
Mariah: “John, I want you to meet my friends Paul and Joe.”
John: “Faggots! How you doing?”
Joe: “WHAAAAAAAAAA?!?!”
Paul: “What the fuck did you just say?”
Mariah: “John’s gay too, he didn’t mean…”
John: “Chill out. We’re all a bunch of faggots.”
Paul: “You smell like shit. Did you just shit yourself? It smells like shit now.”
Joe: “Oh God, here we go…”
John: “What are you talking about?”
Paul: “YOU SMELL LIKE SHIT! Shit smelling John!”
At that point I walked away to let Paul and John finish their retorts. Mariah apologized profusely for John’s comments. All I could say was “Who SAYS something like that?” I was legitimately shocked.
And that was Halloween.
Since then I haven’t done much beside hang out with people I haven’t had the chance to see. Work has been a beastmaster and I’ve been a little down without having a show to work on. That will change, but not soon enough.
The Theatre Company has made the decision to throw an AIDS benefit in December. I will be performing a monologue and a scene at the cabaret portion of the event. On Tuesday I plan to sit down with the company and discuss my future role as an active member. I hope to get as involved as possible.
In other news, I am throwing a Murder Mystery Party! I have mailed out the invitations and am excited to be the host of this event. So far people seem really pumped about it. Now I just have to figure out what to serve for dinner!
I’ve become a raging huge fan of the new Real World/Road Rules Challenge - The Gauntlet. I have also become somewhat addicted to Rich Girls as well. Something is clearly wrong with the way I choose to live my life.
I haven’t talked to my brother since mid-September. He has called twice and I missed him twice. His birthday is at the end of the month and I’m starting to get those “I can’t deal with him being gone anymore” feelings. It’s making me hecka sad.
I have asked Paul to spend Christmas with my family. Although his relationship with his own family pretty much resembles shit on toast, he still feels as though he should be at his parents house for the holiday. He is making a concerted effort to be a part of my Christmas though. The plan is that he will come for Christmas Eve and leave early Christmas morning to go see his family. It would mean the world to me if he were at my house for the holiday. It will make it slightly less lonely since Winfield will be gone.
This weekend I plan to spend as little money as possible. That’s really my only goal. I’m kinda broke right now and I need to start saving my money for Christmas presents! Or bags of pot for myself! Or…a big fat steak that I can shove into my mouth right now.
I’m veddy hungwey.
Have a great weekend and make sure to look both ways before diving into a vagina.
